【2024 Archives】

After 108 painful years of constant loss024 Archives the Cubs finally won the World Series last night.

If you didn't know this, you probably weren't within a 100 mile radius of me. Because, apparently, I had some rather outrageous reactions to the victory. I'm just

SEE ALSO: 'Parks and Rec' predicted the Cubs' win — and it wasn't a coincidence

In the light of day, I am faced with the reality of my actions. I am not sure why I did the following things beyond having the intent to celebrate the Cubs.

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Even though I do not remember doing most of these things, I take full responsibility for them, which, may I remind you, seemed fine to do at the time.

1. Vowing that I will attend every Cubs game from here on out

Not sure I'm going to have the time, but this one's not so bad.

2. Smashing four bottles of champagne on the ground and screaming "I will live forever"

Shouldn't have wasted the champagne. Otherwise, just false.

Via Giphy

3. Eating five entire deep dish pizzas

Felt this one in the morning.

4. Shaving my head

Felt this one in the morning too.

5. Mowing "GO CUBS" into my neighbor's lawn at 5 a.m.

My neighbors pay a lot for a lawn service.

Via Giphy

6. Messaging a seller on Craigslist and scheduling a plan to pick up a new couch today

The couch is Cubs colored, so I guess I figured I needed it.

7. Legally changing my name to "Number One Cubs Fan"

Going to have to undo this one. Also, why was the county clerk open so late last night?

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8. Legally changing my daughter's name to "Daughter of the Number One Cubs Fan"

Definitelygoing to have to undo this one. Also, WHY was the county clerk open so late last night?

9. Pouring out 300 cans of beer into my tub with the intent of taking a bath

I've had worse ideas.

Via Giphy

10. Vomiting into my beer-filled tub right before bath-time

This is one of those worse ideas, for instance.

11. Calling the mayor to ask if we could rename the neighborhood of Wrigleyville to "The Cubs Win-leyville"

This was simply impractical. I am going to call the mayor to apologize.

12. Buying a drone and flying it straight into Lake Michigan

Waste of a good drone.

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

13. Spray painting "Cubs Rule" on the side of my own car

There was no need for this.

14. Proposing marriage to someone I do not know

Really just hoping they're not going to follow up on this one. This is especially upsetting to my current spouse.

15. Saying that any Cubs fan is allowed to walk into my house and take whatever one item they like best

I'm left only with my mechanical toothbrush. Maybe I'll pick up that couch after all.

CHICAGO, IL - NOVEMBER 02: Chicago Cubs fans celebrate outside Wrigley Field as the Cubs play the Cleveland Indians during game seven of the 2016 World Series on November 2, 2016 in Chicago, Illinois. The Cubs defeated the Indians 8-7 to win their first World Series title since 1908. (Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images) Credit: scott olson/Getty Images

16. Making a Facebook event for my appointment at the DMV next week

No one should have to watch me update my license.

17. Changing my voicemail greeting to "WAZZZZZZZZZZUP????"

Do you know how long it's going to take me to record an actually useable greeting?

18. Ordering a customized calendar from the photos found in the "deleted" folder on my iPhone

I deleted these photos for a reason.

Via Giphy

19. Endorsing all 500+ of my LinkedIn connections for "being a good Cubs fan"

Not so bad if it weren't the entirety of my professional network.

20. Filming an Ice Bucket Challenge video in which I dare myself to do the Ice Bucket Challenge, and then doing the Ice Bucket Challenge for the second time

I put myself at a risk for frostbite.

21. Writing a script for a sci-fi movie called "The Broken Curse of the Cubs" and sending it to Mark Ruffalo's agent

It's 170 pages long and completely unintelligible.

22. Begging Bill Murray to take a photo of me and failing to have him do so

Of me. Not even with me. Of me. What is wrong with me?

Bill Murray on the field after the Chicago Cubs defeated the Cleveland Indians 8-7 in Game Seven of the 2016 World Series. Credit: Ezra shaw/getty images

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