【akasick eroticism】

I am not a food snob — especially in quarantine,akasick eroticism during which I've shoved Velveeta cheese slices in my face on the regular — but Virginia Senator Mark Warner posted a recipe video this week that was truly shocking, even for the internet.

He made a tuna melt. At least in theory. But what Warner really created could perhaps best be described as a soft, mayo-slop, tuna mush? I don't know. Watch it then let's gather on the other side to decompress and analyze the horror of a grown man with a prestigious job microwaving mayo and fish.

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OK, so just so we're all on the same page: in a normal tuna melt you'd likely mix up a tuna salad concoction — typically that includes ingredients like mayo, celery, onion, and lemon juice —then top it with cheese, then cook the whole shebang in some form that both toasts the bread and melts the cheese. You could reasonably use the oven, a pan on the stovetop, or even some sort of sandwich press. Here's a perfectly reasonable recipe from Bon Appetit, my recipe-destination of choice.

What Warner, a Virginia Democrat, made was decidedly *not* that.

Warner lays soft white bread on a plate. OK, fine enough so far. But then he grabs a bottle of mayo. Immediately things take a turn. I am not a mayo-averse person — I've openly pined for eating a slice of spicy mayo — but Warner squeezes out a disturbing amount of mayonnaise on each slice of bread. We're talking thick, gloopy streams that he doesn't even bother to spread evenly.

Side note: the quick camera zooms and gross food sounds (the mayo bottle squelching, for instance) makes it all feel like a Tim and Eric skit where the punchline never hits.

The caption of the Instagram post even hinted Warner's team knew this was a cursed sandwich and were playing that up for virality's sake.

It read: "My daughters won't eat them anymore, and my staff tried to stop me from sharing this quarantine delicacy with the world. Fortunately for you, they were OVERRULED."

But I still couldn't ignore this sandwich.

Alright. Next, Warner slops undrained, canned tuna "evenly" across the bread. As he does this, can juices stream all over the sandwich, almost certainly soggying the bread.

It gets worse.

The next step? Two slices of medium cheddar. As Warner says, he's a "two-slice guy." Fine.

But then. But THEN. Warner closes the sandwich, and says he's going to heat it up. Reader, my dear friend, the senator puts the sandwich in the microwave for 30 seconds.

And after washing his hands for 20 seconds — which is a good cleanliness reminder but also he should have done that before cooking (if you call this cooking) as well — his "tuna melt extraordinaire" is ready. Warner takes a big messy bite of the soft fish-sandwich.

It is undeniably gross.

As you can imagine, the internet was floored with disgust in response. Even his political allies were disturbed.

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At the end of the video, Warner tells everyone to stay safe during the coronavirus pandemic. It's a nice thought, wishing everyone well.

But Warner's video alone is going to do a number to my health. How in the hell am I supposed to sleep after seeing what he did?