【House of Pleasures (House of Tolerance)】

Ah,House of Pleasures (House of Tolerance) baseball. America's Pastime.

It's a patient sport, but offers plenty of excitement. And also plenty of long commercial breaks. And a lot of people just standing around. And quite a bit of waiting for replay challenges to conclude. And not to mention the games are usually like three and a half hours long. And a lot of people swinging a bat and missing theballllbaksjsjdkdjspeowjh.,.,,,,,,....,,,,,,.... .

Oh, sorry. I dozed off on my computer for a second. Okay so baseball is boring! And with exciting, fast-paced sports like basketball, hockey, and football, baseball is rapidly losing its fanbase. But don't worry, I am aware of just how boring it is and I have come up with nine simple things that will fix baseball for good.

1. Teams may have as many catchers on the field as they want.

SURPRISE, AZ - FEBRUARY 26: Home plate umpre Lance Barrett signals safe as Jurickson Profar #19 of the Texas Rangers safely slides into home plate to score a run past catcher Cam Gallagher #36 of the Kansas City Royals during the second inning of the spring training game at Surprise Stadium on February 26, 2017 in Surprise, Arizona. (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images) Credit: Mashable composite; Christian Petersen/Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images

Why not? Put a few more catchers back there. Couldn't hurt.

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2. Any batter who doesn’t hit at least one (1) home run a game will be sent down to the minors.

In an effort to incentivize more offense, I think that any player who doesn't sock at least one dinger a game will, effective immediately, be demoted to the minor leagues.

3. Umpires can now bat.

NOTE: If your team strikes out the ump it counts as two outs.

KANSAS CITY, MO - SEPTEMBER 17: Todd Frazier #21 of the Chicago White Sox looks at umpire Jerry Layne #24 after a call he did not appreciate during the eighth inning agains the Kansas City Royals at Kauffman Stadium on September 17, 2016 in Kansas City, Missouri. (Photo by Jason Hanna/Getty Images) Credit: mashable composite; Brian Blanco/Jason Hanna/Getty Images

4. Bats are now swords.

WEST PALM BEACH, FL - FEBRUARY 28: Michael Taylor #3 of the Washington Nationals hits a solo home run in the ninth inning to beat the Houston Astros during a spring training game at The Ballpark of the Palm Beaches on February 28, 2017 in West Palm Beach, Florida. The Nationals defeated the Astros 4-3. (Photo by Joel Auerbach/Getty Images) Credit: MASHABLE COMPOSITE; Francois Schnell/Flickr; Joel Auerbach/Getty Images

5. Baseballs are now on fire.

SCOTTSDALE, AZ - FEBRUARY 26: Tyler Jones delivers a pitch on February 26, 2017 in Scottsdale, Arizona. (Photo by Sarah Sachs/Arizona Diamondbacks/Getty Images) Credit: mashable composite; Sarah Sachs/Scott Barbour/Getty Images

6. Two games will be played at the same time on the weekends.

Every weekend two games will be played simultaneously on the same field. As part of the new "Whacky Weekend" initiative. Other aspects of "Whacky Weekend" include:

• Free beer.

• Fans running on the field is encouraged.

• Slam dunk contest.

• Fireworks show between every inning.

• Die Hardwill be played on the scoreboard.

• Eddie Van Halen performing guitar solos in lieu of an organist.

7. A hibachi chef behind home plate doing cool hibachi tricks.

CHICAGO, IL - OCTOBER 30: Jon Lester #34 of the Chicago Cubs reacts after striking out Jason Kipnis #22 of the Cleveland Indians in the sixth inning in Game Five of the 2016 World Series at Wrigley Field on October 30, 2016 in Chicago, Illinois. (Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images) Credit: mashable composite; Jamie Squire/Getty Images; flickr4jazz/Flickr

8. Players may have a "companion dog" on the field.

GLENDALE, AZ - FEBRUARY 27: Kenta Maeda #18 of the Los Angeles Dodgers warms up before a spring training game against the Colorado Rockies at Camelback Ranch on February 27, 2017 in Glendale, Arizona. (Photo by Rob Tringali/Getty Images) Credit: Mashable composite; Michael Cohen/Rob Tringali/Getty Images)

9. Bunting is illegal and punishable by actual jail time.

Bunting is now literally illegal and players who attempt a bunt will be arrested on the spot and tried in a court of law.

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